(Editor’s note: In the second half of our interview with Kamala Harris we discuss the southern border, foreign policy and the alleged MAGA threat.)
ME: Madam VP, before we get into the heart of our remaining topics, gender identity seems to be a hot topic in America. Everytime the subject comes up, I’m reminded of that now iconic scene in Kindergarten Cop where the child kind of sums it up by saying a man has a penis and a woman has a vagina. Can you define what a woman is since you often complain that your negative approval ratings are because you are a woman?
KH: I think the American people understand that penises and vaginas are a systemically racist concept and this administration isn’t going to stand by and let that happen. This is 2023, not 1823 and that’s what kindergartners need to be taught in terms of historical accuracy regarding genitalia. To make an attempt to define what it means to be a woman is a woman or a man, or to say a man is a man or a woman might be controversial in someone’s eyes, but to me it makes complete sense and the overwhelming number of American people understand that.
ME: Wait … what? You didn’t answer … OK, let’s move on because we still have a lot to cover. Madam VP, despite your administration’s immigration policies absolutely shattering illegal immigration numbers, you continue to say your policies are working. As the border czar, how do you justify that claim?
KH: That’s completely the fault of the prior administration, and look, the American people understand that.
ME: Illegal immigration hit record lows under Donald Trump. You have record highs. You were tasked with immigration as the border czar and pledged to get to the “root causes.” What happened?
KH: These things are complicated. For example, it took several months for me to find out what a czar is and I don’t see how a title associated with Russia invading Ukraine is relevant to our southern border. I mean, here a czar, there a czar, everywhere a czar czar. (Cackling laughter) Am I right? The American people know I’ve been south of the border.
ME: You mean that little tourist trap at the Florida/Georgia line? That South of the Border?
KH: Look, to say that I haven’t been to the border is factually inaccurate. As I said early in this process, I haven’t been to Europe either but now I have been to Europe so clearly the American people see that we are making progress. Look, the border is broken and we inherited a mess to clean up and we are doing just that.
ME: But Trump actually fixed the border and this administration broke it, Madam VP. With all due respect, what happened to the root causes you were supposed to look into?
KH: Roots was an important TV series that exposed how America cruelly and violently exploited human beings for slave labor and I think the American people understand that. So to say that the root cause of immigration is not important just isn’t true. I did at least a dozen zoom calls on this very subject so technically I visited several Central and South American countries.
ME: And the root cause?
KH: Look, I don’t think I have to repeat myself. The American people understand that roots run deep just like causes are a commitment to something important. So there you have the root cause.
ME: (Several seconds of silence) Ok, I can see we could stay on this subject, but time is short so let’s move on. The majority of Americans give this administration a failing grade on foreign policy. From the failures in Afghanistan, to emboldening Iran and North Korea’s nuclear ambitions, to doing nothing about a growing China threat, can you tell our readers what this administration’s foreign policy goals are?
KH: Look, I think the American people understand that goals are important even when those goals are really hard and you don’t understand them. It’s like putting someone who isn’t very good at math in an advanced Algebra class, you know what I mean? The goal is to pass the class but you have to recognize when you might be out of your league and taking on too much. Look, maybe you should have chosen a business math class first if that was an option.
ME: Soooo, you are basically acknowledging that this administration doesn’t know what it’s doing? That it’s too hard?
KH: (Cackling) Look, I think the American people understand what’s going on here.
ME: Yes, I believe the American people do indeed see what’s going on here. OK Madam VP, let’s close out by addressing this administration’s relentless attack on everyday Americans who simply believe in a strong and economically successful America. This administration has made the term “MAGA” into something dark and dangerous when these are just freedom-loving Americans. Can you define exactly what the MAGA threat is?
KH: Look, freedom sounds good in theory doesn’t it? Well, that depends on how you view freedom and whether you should have the freedom to choose freedom in the first place.
ME: What does that mean?
KH: It means that the majority of Americans are being denied the freedom to renounce their freedom and that’s just systemically racist. The MAGA crowd wants to force freedom down your throat. This administration believes that freedom should not be used to force freedom and if you are going to thrust the American flag in our face and try to use that kind of freedom to force freedom, we are going to put you in jail.
ME: Tell me, Madam VP, do you even know what the American flag represents? The stars and stripes are obvious, but are you familiar with what the colors represent? The red? The white? The blue?
KH: I think that’s obvious in terms of implying colors have a representation and I would say that is systemically racist. It’s truly divisive and racist to divide things into a category of colors and look, this is the fight this administration has willingly taken on and we are going to win.
ME: Well, this has been an illuminating discussion, Madam VP. I can’t speak for our readers, but I can say with all confidence that everything I believed you to be is exactly who you are.
KH: Well, thank you.
ME: Uh huh. Not a problem. Anyway, one parting question, Madam VP. Most Americans, including democrats, don’t want your boss to run for another term. Would you run or consider a VP nomination from another candidate?
KH: I don’t really like to run, or ride bikes or anything like that. I have a car that picks me up curbside everywhere I go so there is no need to run. But as I have said many, many times, I wish the Secret Service would give me a big, yellow electric school bus to ride around in. But if Joe decides he doesn’t want to be fed ice cream in bed by White House staff, then he has that right. I would be the obvious choice if that was the case so I don’t give any thought to be second on the ticket to anyone. I would be every bit the president as I am the vice president and I think the American people understand that.
ME: Can’t argue with that, Madam VP. I believe the American people 100 percent understand that a Harris presidency would look very much like your vice presidency.
KH: That’s very sweet of you to say.
ME: Uhh, yeah, OK. Well, thanks for your time.
KH: (Cackling) Look, time is a funny thing and I think the American people understand that, OK? It’s like moving at times and then it can stand still and then it slips into history. It’s the later, now and then, understand? Look, there was this little girl who really wanted a watch for Christmas and when the big day came, all she got was a computer, a Coach purse and a pony. I can’t tell you how disappointed she was and you know what? That little girl was me.
ME: I’d just like to say that everything you have said in this interview is either untrue or makes no sense.
KH: Thank you so much.
Well, my fellow Patriots. If there was ever a time to stay vigilant, it’s now. Keep informed and keep sharing our truth.