Tales from the Mark Side: The Conservative Voice in Manatee County

Manatee Herald obtains exclusive first draft of Biden’s State of the Union address

By Mark Young

The Manatee Herald has obtained the transcripts of Joe Biden’s original and self-recorded State of the Union address before it was dramatically altered by White House speech writers ahead of next week’s speech.

The following transcripts of that recording are as follows:

Biden: “Good aftermorning London, thank you for being here at the nation’s capitalistic thingy where we do our government stuff at. Welcome also congresspeople, senator persons, Madam Speaker Skeletor and President Harris.

“My fellow Saskatchewans, I’m proud to announce that as far as I’ve been told by the people in charge around this place, (paused for dramatic effect) the states of the union are still intact.

“Boy, thank the lucky Irish leprechauns for that Abe Lincoln guy, huh? Where you at Abe? Stand up and take a bow.”

Jill Biden’s voice in the background: “No Joe, it’s a State of the Union speech, not states of the union. You’re supposed to say, ‘The State of the Union is strong,’ no matter what’s happening in the world.”

Biden: “That’s what I said. Where’s my ice cream at, anyway?”

Jill Biden: “You’ve already had your ice cream.”

Joe Biden: “Come on man! That’s a bunch of malarkey.”

Jill Biden: “Continue your speech Joe, I’m going to get your meds.”

Joe Biden: “As I was saying, the State of the Union is strong! At least that’s what they tell me. Sometimes I hear things on the outside and it sounds pretty bad. I’m glad I’m not out there. It’s nice in here. I wake up around 10 a.m., people ask me things and I show them where the ice cream is. Sometimes I play hide and seek with myself in this big house. I’m really good at it and then I get put to bed when the street lights come on.”

(Jill returns.) Jill Biden: Try to focus on the things we talked about Joe. Remember not to mention Afghanistan, the economy, COVID, Russia, inflation, and gas prices due to you ending the country’s energy independence.

“Don’t talk about mask mandates, freedom protests, the CDC withholding information, Dr. Fauci’s lies, and definitely don’t ever say, ‘If you don’t vote for me, you ain’t black,’ again.”

Two minutes and 11 seconds of silence.

Biden: “Where’s my ice cream?”

(Sounds of exasperation followed by door opening and closing.)

Biden: “So I’m told that you want to hear something about Afkazikstan and Prussia. I’m happy to announce that thanks to me and the actions I have taken, the State of their Unions is strong.

“Do not doubt my resolve about keeping it that way, too. And that goes double for some of those other country clubs out there, as well. Like North … something or other. That Korean restaurant place, but the one on top, not the other one on the bottom. And Iran, too! (Laughs) I ran. That’s funny. (Giggling) Who calls their own country, I ran?

“So as I was saying. Just look at everything I’ve done in the first year of me hanging around this place, and thanks to more people voting than are registered to vote, we all have three more years together. I’d like to particularly thank all of the deceased voters who voted for me. God bless those folks, man. Wow. That’s commitment right? Real patriots.

“And I’m so happy those patriots won the Super Bowl again by the way. I hope to see them all at the White House. (Pause) Don’t you think it’s time to change that name? Sounds kind of racist to me.

“Hey June! Where’s my pen? I want to sign one of those excellent orders again.”

(Voice from the other room) Jill Biden: “My name is Jill, Joe. And it’s an executive order. Check your desk.”

Biden: “So in closing, I’d just like to say again. We have three more years of doing all this stuff together. I wish you all good luck and may God save the Queen. Thank you and merry Halloween.”

Transcript ends.