Tales from the Mark Side:The Conservative Voice in Manatee County

Becoming a Facebook felon … and why it doesn’t matter

By Mark Young

I write to you today from my Facebook cell (my living room) doing another three days of hard time in Facebook jail.

Oh, woe is me.

My time as a Facebook felon is hardening me. These days upon days that seem endless inside this cold, dark Facebook cell (again, my living room with the kitchen literally steps away) is turning my soul black with anger and bitterness.

I fear having such a lengthy Facebook rap sheet now will leave me little options in life but to continue a life of Facebook crimes as society labels me as a Facebook criminal and rejects any hope I personally may have to be rehabilitated.

I will be forever stigmatized as a neerdowell, incapable of becoming a productive member of society as law abiding citizens look down their noses at my choices in life. My future is not only doomed on the outside of this dungeon (seriously, I have everything I need within a 10-second walk), but I am subjected to cruel and inhumane treatment by these big tech dictators.

There is no justice in the Facebook legal system. Even armed robbers who don’t fire their weapons during the crime in NYC don’t face the levels of stiff justice Facebook wields to its users.

Some anonymous freak of nature just arrests your account without a trial and without due process. They say you can protest the suspension, but they never answer. Facebook justice is deaf.

But these diabolical Facebook minions don’t stop there. They actually allow you to continue to peer into the active lives of your friends or family. You get to see what your friend is having for dinner. You get to see another friend brag about their new pair of shoes. You get to see yet another friend on the motorcycle he finally fixed.

But you can’t participate. You can’t say, “Hey, that looks delicious.” You can’t say, “Wow, great shoes!” You can’t tell your friend, “Ride or Die, brother!”

Oh, the inhumanity. The cruelty to see your buddy’s video of him missing a 3-foot putt and the inability to say, “Ha! You suck bro!”

These moments that you miss are moments you can never get back when you are doing hard time in Facebook jail. You can’t just show up three days in the future and make new comments on past events when so many dinners have been made and new shoes purchased since you were locked away.

No, these precious moments are gone forever and there is nothing you can do about it, but do your time like a man. Embrace the suck and hope that one day … one day when you’re free … your friend will make another delicious looking meal so you can compliment how good it looks in reasonably real time and give it the well-deserved “heart” like.

Ok, that’s all BS but what are Facebook’s “community standards” anyway?

Has anyone actually read them? I assume it has something to do with bullying people or expressing conservative beliefs. I imagine they say something like this:

Thou shalt not express common sense opinions.
Thou shalt not disagree with Dr. Fauci.
Thou shalt not let the Facebook community know you have facist Conservative beliefs.
Thou shalt not post actual scientific facts about COVID.
Thou shalt not inform liberals of the truth or refer to them as commies, socialists or any list any general reference to them being a libtard.

Am I close? Someone let me know because I’m still not wasting my time reading their community standards.

My suspension before this one had to do with some New England Patriots fan trolling a New York Giants page. I had argued that the Giants were doomed when they hired former Cowboys head coach Jason Garrett as the Giants’ offensive coordinator.

He disagreed and noted Garrett’s overall winning percentage as a head coach, to which I let him know a winning percentage over 10 years without a playoff win isn’t much to brag about and that he was an idiot. Facebook PC police – wearing, I’m assuming, rainbow colored tactical outfits – raided my account within 10 minutes to inform me that I was a bully and they were suspending my account.

The latest suspension was on a friend’s post about a hospital that was putting unvaccinated patients on a low priority list for live-saving treatments. I simply commented that if it was a family member of mine that was being left to die that there would be hell to pay for all those involved.

Twenty minutes later Facebook secret agents again informed me I had violated their precious standards.

Have you seen their geeky commercials where some pretend journalists are interviewing their community standards police? It’s hilarious.

They talk about how difficult their jobs are trying to balance their community standards with free speech. No, your jobs aren’t that difficult. Balancing the imbalance in your liberal brains is what’s difficult for you.

The death of Facebook is coming soon and I look forward to seeing its bottom line profits tank when President Trump’s social media platform launches in a couple of months.

Big tech’s ability to silence everyday Americans is finally coming to an end.