1) President Joe Biden will reveal that he was the first soldier to land at Normandy Beach on DDay. He will vividly recall posing for Stephen Spielberg when he swam onto the beach.
2) President Joe Biden will also reveal that he was the triggerman on the Seal Team that killed Osama bin Laden.
3) Vice President Kamala Harris will land a new job producing laugh tracks for TV sitcoms.
4) Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg will take 3 more months of maternity leave proving real men can have babies.
5) Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi will reveal the algorithm that helped her net worth increase ten-fold.
6) AOC will leave Congress to return to her waitressing gig but will end up being fired for hosting a drag show for toddlers.
7) Congresswoman Maxine Waters will land the leading role in the latest SAW horror movie.
8) Anthony Fauci will win the Sergeant Schultz Award for his investigation into the origin of the Covid-19 virus.
9) Planned Parenthood of Southwest and Central Florida will be given the Auschwitz/Dachau Award for the highest kill rate in Florida. Nikolas Cruz will be the featured speaker at their Annual Gala.
10) Donald Trump will sue the Dale Carnegie Company after attending one of their seminars that did not work. “The teacher was a real sleepy Joe” said Trump.
11) Charlie Crist will take a job with Morgan and Morgan representing transgender patients in medical malpractice cases.
12) Adam Schiff will lose the Democratic Senate primary in California to Maxine Waters and complain about how hard it is to defeat a beautiful woman.
13) Congressman Matt Gaetz will become the first person to die from standing too long in front of an underage mirror.
14) Hillary Clinton will be sued by former President Bill Clinton for spousal abuse.
15) Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu will be invited to address the US House of Representatives but will be refused service at the Harvard University lunch counter.
16) Locally, Pat Neal will be awarded the Lifetime Achievement Award by the Florida Republican Party. Pat will charge all his friends to attend the awards ceremony.
17) Senator Rick Scott will be arrested for attempting to enter Mar-a-Lago with a suspicious package. The package will be addressed to the Blond Guy who anointed Herschel Walker and Dr. Oz as Senate candidates.
18) Harvard University will decide to discriminate against white males in order to make the Asians they currently discriminate against feel better.
19) Joe McClash will call for an end to any new roads being built in Manatee County. Joe will start a petition to change the name of Bradenton to Mayberry.
20) Former county commissioner Carol Whitmore will join an anger management support group. She will send daily email updates to all the current county commissioners.
21) A whistleblower will reveal a lack of audits in the Manatee County Clerk’s office. (Oops, that SHIP has not sailed yet)
22) Palmetto City Commissioner Sheldon Jones will actually deliver mail for one day without violating the Hatch Act and campaigning for office on government time.
23) The supervisor of the Palmetto Post Office will win the Inspector Clouseau award for his role in supervising Sheldon Jones.
24) The Sarasota Herald will declare victory when the last conservative reader cancels their subscription to the paper. Happy New Year
Bob Spencer
Publisher
Manatee Herald
publisher@manateeherald.com
